Hola.

It's been a very long time since i've blogged last. I think my blogging patterns kind of reflect my personality. I get so heated up about something...so excited, only to cool down juswt as quickly and get sick of it. Then, when things get tough, i turn back to it, and realise how much i had, and how much I've lost.

But does it only seem as a loss to me because my focus is on the positives, and shielded from the negatives?

I wouldn't know.

'my thoughts are scattered, this blog should be in dot points'. and it will be. Paragraph by paragraph, rant by rant, no linking, poor vocabulary, and even worse expression. Brace yourself motherfucker.

So today i started thinking about all the poor choices i've made in my life. In particular with school, friends, and relationships.

Its year twelve. My final year, the one i should be putting all my time and energy into. This is, after all, going to play a major role in regards as to what i do with myself later on. I mean, i know i'm capable of doing really well. But i don't have the strength. I don't have the mental capacity to juggle my life, as well as school. Being me isn't easy, and i mean to say that in the least selfish/stuck up way possible.

I have so much on my plate, something's gotta give.

I don't like obligations. And right now, i feel obligated to do so many things. Things i don't particularly think i should be feeling obligated to do. Like satisfy everybody else before myself.

Have you ever been asked to do something you don't really wanna do, but you do it anyway because the person that's asking means a lot to you, and you don't wanna let them down? The story of my life. I feel like i'm living this for everyone else. but myself.

No regrets. i keep telling myself that. But i don't believe its entirely true. I'm not happy with myself. I can't say i'm content with the way things are. Because i'm not a liar.

But then again, maybe i want things to be complicated? No...not complicated. Just interesting. This all feels so boring. I need something, someone, to bring some excitement into my life.

Once Upon a time ago, i used to be capable of doing this for myself. Now, i'm ruined.

i'm sick of the routine. let me break the rules, colour outside the lines, and create my own disasterpiece.

I waste my time a lot. On ridiculous things like;-

- joining facebook groups

-thinking about how fucked up things have so suddenly become

- wishing i was that person i once used to be

I want to be appreciated. I want the ability to appreciate others. Appreciate life. Give it the attention it deserves. But i don't know how.

WHAT IS WRONG!? i have no fucking idea.

But i know this is wrong.